The Blackhole of Stargate Parody
by Lupin's Magelet
Summary: Newest song: Danny-Boy. Also Promethean Rhapsody, Tok'racabana, and Hopelessly Devoted to Yu.
1. Another World

**Song: **_'A Whole New World' from Disney's Aladdin_

**Episode: **_Children of the Gods

* * *

_

**Another World**

**Jack:** (_grumbling) _I'm to show you a world

Alien, sweltering, sandy.

Tell me, Carter, how'd I get

Landed with you on my team?

I hope it opens your eyes

When you walk through that circle

It will make you real chilly

As you step through space and time

(_Shoves Sam through gate and jumps through after her_)

Wassup Skaara?

Spacemonkey, it's good ta see ya.

But I _did_ tell you, no?

"Let no one go

Through that-there stupid Stargate!"

**Sam:** (_finally recovered from shock_) Another world!

Through wormholes there's something new…

But I've become aware,

Despite the glare,

That the event horizon is blue?

**Jack: **It leads to diff'rent planets. Who knew?

**Sam:** Wormhole's formed by the gate,

Isn't physics amazing?

Chokes me up, so much I'm singing

Out here on this hot planet.

**Sam: **Colonel, wait up!

**Jack:** You're not one of the guys

**Sam:** I'm aware that I'm female

**Jack: **That's to what I'm referring

**Sam:** Holy Hannah, Colonel, sometimes you are such a pig I think I see a tail!

**Jack: **Get back to Earth!

**Jaffa: **(_jump out of shrubbery_) Zats are good for surprise!

**Jack:** S'not my fault we were imprisoned… (_everyone looks at Daniel)_

**Sam:** Shut up, sir, I'm thinking.

**Both:** Big dude, let's bust out now, we'll show you how.

But to save these people we need you.

**Jack:** Let's all go home

**Sam:** I'll take them home

**Jack:** Nice job there geek

**Sam:** I'm not a geek

**Jack:** Don't even start –

**Sam:** Just 'cause I'm smart –

**Daniel:** …I feel really weak…


	2. Jaffa

**Song:** _'All Star' by Smash Mouth_

**Episode:**_ a bunch, so I won't bother to list them_

**Note:** _I felt that I owed it to you for posting a Spitney Beers song, so yeah…OH! And of course, no disrespect to Muscles, because the show would not be the same without him.

* * *

_

**Hey Now, I'm a Jaffa**

**Teal'c:** Old Bra'tac once told me Apophis was a phoney,

But the guy keeps comin' back from the dead.

I was feeling kind of numb 'cause it's really hard to run

With this gold snake imprint on my forehead.

Well, we caught O'Neill who said he had a good plan;

We killed the guards and left the place running.

I followed them 'cause I had nowhere to go

I was fast but Jackson was slow.

So now I want to help, but see,

These stupid Tauri won't trust me.

Jack convinced them to let me go –

They like me since my eyes don't glow.

Oh yeah, I'm a Jaffa, was a bad guy, a fool.

Hey now, not a human, but my staff weapon's cool.

My tattoo's made of gold,

Oh and by the way I'm pretty old.

Earth's a cool place but its kinda scary. (_shudders at the carnage on the news_)

People fear me 'cause my head's not hairy,

But SG1 begs to differ:

They say I'm nice and keep me in the picture.

When we fight, we know we'll always win,

But then we usually get hurt when we're escapin'.

My room's great, how 'bout yours?

I watch television so I never get bored.

Hey, ya'll, I'm a Jaffa, got a tattoo and no hair.

I know, I'm a big guy, but I work out so there.

I know this funny joke.

I think that I'll tell all you folk…

(_everyone ignores him because they know Teal'c can't tell jokes. Jack swiftly changes the subject, earning a menacing eyebrow move from Teal'c's eyebrows_)

**Jack:** Somebody once asked if I just passed some gas.

I mean, c'mon, I'd just had a burrito.

(_everyone shudders at his voice_)

**Sam:** Shut up, Jack, thought you knew that

This song is all about Teal'c,

And he sings much better than you.

**Teal'c:** (_hands over his ears_) When my ears stop ringing – if they stop ringing –

**Daniel:** I agree with Sam, so now I'll start running. (_runs away from angry Jack_)

**Jack:** You know you fall whenever you run,

Honestly I think your plan is dumb.

You think that you can outrun me,

I know you'll fall so I will catch thee.

**Sam:** (_making a point_) We said, sir, that you can't sing.

**Jack:** (_evasively_) I think I just heard the phone ring… (_runs off away from the criticism and to track down Daniel for insulting him, failing to notice the massive man coming down the ramp in the gate room_)

**Walter:** (_over the com system_) Hey guys, there's a Go'uld coming through the Stargate!

Help guys! He's a big guy with a big plate.

**Nerus:** I have the need to feed

Then I can help you.

**Teal'c:** (_eyebrow perks up in sarcastic attention_) Indeed.


	3. Tok'racabana

**This is the song that inspired the others. My dad and I were listening to good ol' Barry, and he decided to change the words to the chorus. Naturally, in order to save my sanity, I had to come up with words for the rest of the song. Thanks, Dad.

* * *

**

**Song: **_Copacabana by Barry Manilow_

**Episode: **_Pretty much all of the early Tok'ra episodes._

**Note: **_Aoueoiuaouha is the sound a ribbon device makes. I think that's about it, unless you guys know a better way of spelling that really sweet sound…

* * *

_

**Tok'racabana**

**Tok'ra Chorus:** Her name was Rosha, she was a Tok'ra.

She had a snake named Jolinar, but that didn't get her far

Because she was shot and forced to swap hosts.

The Nasian man was just too new, and soon he got shot too

So then along came Sam, who found this wounded man

She didn't know what she was doing –

The snake jumped in, BAM!

Now she's Tok'ra (Tok), Tok'racabana (Where's the cabana?)

The greatest secret in the land, yeah. (But)

At the Tok'ra (Tok?), Tok'racabana,

Secretive passion was always the fashion

For the Tok'ra…Who fall in love.

He was called Martuf, and also Lantash.

He wanted Jolinar back, but she was killed by an Ashrak.

Lantash was upset 'cause his mate was dead

But Martuf went a bit too far, Carter wasn't Jolinar

Sam was so confused, and O'Neill was, too.

But Martuf was made a Za'tarc and

Killed before he blew.

For the Tok'ra, (D'oh), Tok'racabana (Man, the cabana)

He nearly zapped our president, yeah… (Though)

For the Tok'ra (Tok!), Tok'racabana

Murder by Za'tarc is something that ain't smart

So the Tokr'ra…have that device.

(Tok'ra…Don't trust the Jaffa)

(Tok'ra…Had those armbands, ha!) (Tok'racabana, aoueoiuaouha…)

(Ah-AHHH!-aaaahh… Tok'racabana!)

(We're under attack…I want a snack…)

(Armbands sputtered out…it made O'Neill po-ut)

His name is Jacob, and he's ex-Air Force

But that was many years ago, when Sam used to hate him so.

Now he's a Tok'ra and goes by Selmak.

It may have cured his nasty cancer, but he still don't have no hair, sir

He loves his daughter more now than ever

He ain't human but he's not dying -

He's got a junior!

Thank the Tok'ra (Wha?), Tok'racabana (Oh, holy Hannah)

What makes ya' think Selmak's a man, huh?

Hey! The Tok'ra (No), Tok'racabana

They've always got spies blowing ships sky-high

But the Tok'ra…they stay on-board.

(Tok'ra) ya gotta love.

Tok'racabana,

Cross me, I'll zat ya.


	4. Jack's Gonna Kiss Her

**Song:** _'I'm Gonna Miss Her' by Brad Paisley_

**Episode:** _More specifically The Curse, but then Jack's been asking Sam to his cabin since Season 1, so…_

**Note:** _This song adheres to the theory that "fishing" means something else entirely. Because we all know it does.

* * *

_

**I'm Gonna Kiss Her**

**Jack: **I just told Sam,

If she liked to fish,

She should come to up my cabin

And spend her break with me.

But then, like always, she shot me down –

Said she had work to do;

There's no way she could come this time.

So I'm draggin Teal'c along to fill

That empty room

Well I shoulda kissed her

Before I asked.

Cause Teal'c's with me on the dock here

Lookin' like he wants to run.

Oh, c'mon Carter,

You know how he snores at night!

Yeah, I shoulda kissed her

But then again, she's sure to fight.

Sure there's a chance

That she don't know

I don't want her to fish

If she came up,

But then she grins like she

Wants me to endure Teal'c's Chulak dish.

Ooooh I'm gonna kiss her,

See what she'll do.

I'll stop watchin' the front door

And stop wond'rin' if she'll come.

Pretty sure she'd hit me –

If I kiss her, she's sure to fight.

Still, I'm gonna kiss her.

You never know, might get a bite

Yeah I'm gonna kiss her.

Hey lookie there, Teal'c smashed a fly.


	5. Jack Did it Again

**Song:** _'Oops I Did it Again' by Britney Spears_

**Episodes:** _Lost City Part 1 and 2_

**Note: **_I know, awful song, but this amused me…and this is the only way I will even _THINK _about that certain singer.

* * *

_

**Jack Did it Again**_  
_

(_arms flail as the group rushes to make a decision_)

**Daniel: **We can't just let this go…

**Sam: **Sir no no no no no!

(_back in the gateroom_)

**Jack: **Hey George I did it again.

It's that darn device that messed with my head.

Oh Hammond,

I don't like to complain

But I didn't want this to happen again

'Cause now I'll lose my fron and

I will cease to be me!

I'm goin' crazy!

Whups, I did it again

I knew when I did, I'd mess up my brain.

Oh hold the phone now!

**Daniel:** Jack, I think you said fron?

**Hammond: **What the heck's going on?

**Jack:** There's nothing cruvas with me…

**Sam: **(_shakes her head_) You see his problem is this:

He needs the Asgard,

And, sir, right now Thor could be anywhere.

I cry as Jack wastes away –

Can't you see how he's counting his days?

**Jack:** If you'd come to your senses

You'd know there's no way to save me

**Hammond:** Calm down, Jack.

**Jack: **I just said cruvas again!

Someone tell me what the hell that word means

Oh Daniel, help me!

**Daniel:** There's not much I can do

You're going cuckoo.

**Jack:** (_leaving the mountain_) Yeah, sure that sums it up

**Daniel:** There's gotta be some way.

**Sam:** Oh, Jack, I'm on my way.

(_later, at Jack's house_)

**Jack:** Hey Carter.

**Sam:** Colonel, before you die, there's something I need to tell you.

**Jack:** Oh, come in. Have a beer. Now, what did you want to say?...

**Daniel**: (_barges in_) Hello? Guys? We're here…

Sorry, I hope we aren't interrupting anything.

**Teal'c:** We come with donuts.

**Jack:** Nah, Daniel, you aren't interrupting.

**Hammond:** Folks, I have bad news.

**Sam:** No! Sir why did we do this to you?

**Jack:** Daniel says we need it, Carter.

**Sam:** Sir you should hear what I have to say.

**Jack:** Sam, I already know.

**Sam:** Sir you saved us again,

With this chair device – can we call it that? –

It's just so awesome!

Guys! We can't leave him here

He just saved our rears!

**Daniel:** There is no other way.

**Teal'c:** Sam, don't do this again.

**Sam:** You know I hate Weir because she's a pain.

Why can't we save him?

**Weir:** Sam you think I don't care

So let's clear the air

**Jack:** (_thinking, because he can't talk_) Still stuck in Antarctica…


	6. Promethean Rhapsody

**Song:** _'Bohemian Rhapsody' by Queen_

**Episode: **_Prometheus Unbound, which is secretly everyone's favorite episode.  


* * *

_

**Promethean Rhapsody**

**Daniel: **Someone tell me how

This super soldier here

Snuck onto our ship,

Beamed the crew off and took my gear?

He's on my lap!

And he's not a dude I see…

**Vala:** Hi, I'm Vala.

**Daniel:** Ouch! Stop doing that to me.

I really don't like getting shot.

**Vala:** Even though I'm really hot?

**Daniel: **Will you just let me go? Your hotness does not matter to me.

**Vala: **Oh, please…

**Daniel:** Vala, stop hitting me!

You've punched me in the head –

You hit me so hard, now I'm red.

Vala! I will not fix the ship!

I'm serious, there's really just no way.

(_she hits him with the fire extinguisher_) Vala! Oooowww!

I kinda wish that you would die

Would you please put that extinguisher down now.

Don't wanna fight anymore. Your hotness still doesn't matter.

**Vala: **Too late, I've claimed this ship.

I'm your captor so you're mine

'Cause I whooped your butt big time.

Oh c'mon, please Daniel – we need to go

And save the people that I didn't make up.

Daniel, ooo-ooo-ooo (look how my hair billows!)

You've got yummy abs,

And I've no idea what a fruitcake is at all…

My, my, you're such a very stubborn man.

Are you gay? Oh, you're gay.

**Daniel:** Oh yeah? What makes you think so?  
**Vala:** When you took my clothes off you said you didn't look at me!

**Daniel:** Who do you think I am, lady?

**Vala:** Are you saying I'm not sexy?

**Daniel:** Yes, I am. Where's my glasses? I can't see.

**Vala:** Hey, I'm just a poor girl. Why ya gotta pick on me?

**Daniel: **If you are a poor girl then I'm the Tooth Fairy.

The fact you're a woman and you won't set me free –

**Vala:** Is kinky? Yeah, I know, Sit tight now, I hafta go.

**Daniel:** No Vala, I'm not letting you trade my ship. I'll go out.

**Vala: **Hey Daniel, it's my freakin' deal and they'll want me, I'll go.

**Daniel:** Yo, Vala what makes you think I trust you to go?

**Vala:** They want me to go – let me go!

You can trust me, you know. Don't go!

**Daniel:** No-no-no-no-no-no!

(_runs outside and waves to the creepy guys_) Hey you guys, Vala can't make it. I am Hans Olo…

**Traders:** We've got the goods, now give us your ship you fool with a strange name

**Daniel:** So you think that I'm dumb. That's not wise –

I've got more degrees than you'll see in your lives. (_makes them look really dumb and gets away_)

**Vala:** (_later_) Oh baby, what'll you do with me, baby?

Please just let me out – I promise you won't see me again. (_she escapes_)

**Daniel:** (_to himself, because he does that_) It doesn't really matter,

Everyone can see…

No! She doesn't matter – Vala doesn't matter – to me…

**Sam:** That's alotta naquadah…

**Please tell me if these are annoying. If they are I won't post them, but keep them for my own amusement.  
**


	7. Not Really Devoted to Yu

**Song:** _'Hopelessy Devoted to You' by Olivia Newton-John (song from Grease)_

**Episode:** _Summit

* * *

_

**Here to Poison Yu**

**Daniel: **Guess I'm the only human able

To pose as this Gerrin guy –

I speak fluent Gou'ld,

That's why I have to work for Yu.

I will stop this System Lord meeting

When I prepare mint tea for Yu.

Oh, Jack why can't you see?

It's something that I've got to do.

Jacob said he'd get me to Yu.

Sara's here, I've gotta hide!

Ain't no way she'll let this slide.

With that snake in her head,

I bet she'll let it slip to Yu.

I sure do not mind telling you,

That I really hate this guy Yu

I heard Yu saying, "Slave, don't trust them"

My head is saying, "Don't let go –

Keep the poison till the end."

Jacob told me what I should do.

I have to make sure that I kill Yu.

I hurt Yu, now I should hide,

But Sara tossed me aside.

That snake's still in her head!

Sara, you know I can't kill you.

Just hang on, I think I'll save you,

But first I have to poison Yu.


	8. Found Another Ba'al

**Song:** _'Red Rubber Ball' (I like the version by The Cyrkle)  
_

**Episode:** _Umm, the entire series? Ba'al is my favorite bad guy :D_

**Note:** _This idea has been in my head for the past year and I finally got it down. There may be more Ba'al songs to come…

* * *

_

**Found Another Ba'al**

**Jack: **I should have known he'd come back after all

The torture that he put me through

With those daggers on that wall.

Now I know that's not

The only clone we're gonna see.

If I never see that guy again

I may just get some sleep.

But I think it's gonna be alright

Yeah, we got most of them now –

**Sam:** Sir I hate to tell you this but we found another Ba'al.

**Ba'al:** You never told me what was on your mind

No matter how I tortured you.

**Jack:** You could try being kind!

Always killing –

**Sam:** Never sharing;

Why'd we let you live?

Stolen tidbits from your mind,

There's more that you can give.

**Jack:** So I think it's time to do this right.

**Daniel:** Jack, the worst is over now.

**Cameron:** Guys, I think you're wrong 'cause we just found another Ba'al.

**Ba'al**: You Tauri are so dumb, like flies upon a wall.

I'm far too smart for you – I don't need

Neru's help at all!

**Sam:** This wild goose chase that we took is

Nearly at an end.

**Jack:** When he's gone, I'll buy the beers!

**Ba'al:** I don't think so my friend.

**Tok'ra:** And we think it's gonna be all right

Someone start the party now

**Jack:** I swear I'll shoot myself if I see another Ba'al.


	9. DannyBoy

**Song:** '_Danny Boy,' as sung by pretty much anyone with a drop of Irish in them…_

**Episode:** _Abyss, because it deserves another song :D_

**Note:** _This idea has been in my head for the past two years and I finally got it down. There may be more Ba'al songs to come. I really just like Jack in this… "'Ball?' As in 'bocce'?"_

* * *

**Danny-Boy**

Oh, Danny boy, the shit's sure hit the fan now

It splats and _PLOP_, it's slidin' down the wall.

I'd like to know just where the heck you are now

I'm here in this hole, and there's Jaffa in the hall.

So please come back, but it's not like I'm beggin'!

It's just a pain each time that you go missin' -

We know you aren't dead, I wish you would listen.

Oh Danny boy, oh come on man, you are so slow.

And if you could, please stop with all this lying.

Ba'al kills me dead, as dead as a man can be,

But then I'm not and I find that I'll keep dying

When Ba'al sends his guards back for me.

And you I hear, an impossibility

In all my dreams, I thought you'd try to help me

If you won't help, I may as well go crazy

I'll give up and give him what he wants from me.

I'll slip up and tell him what he wants from.


End file.
